TIGblogs TIG | TIGblogs GROUP TIGBLOGS LOGIN SIGNUP
Cherrieland
Cherrieland
« previous 7


Decision Time

OK, this is just ridiculous.

This is NOT a record of my life, these are NOT my 'inner secrets'.

These are... I don't know what they are.

But I think that in publicising my confusions in an incomplete manner, I misrepresent myself here. That is, in receiving little to no feedback (on average), I do not gain insight about you, nor our relationship, while your perception of me changes on these incomplete and easily-misunderstood messages. For strangers, these words serve their purpose (none), but for those I care about and are close to me, they do more (e.g. cause pain) than I ever intended.

Thus, they have to stop.

And they are stopping.

So thank you to everyone who has followed this blog thus far, but I think I need to take a break from these writings. Plus, I don't have enough time. Plus, what is honesty and transparency anyway? Just appropriateness?

Let's leave on a good note, though:

Technorati Tags : , ,

August 7, 2008 | 7:08 AM Comments  0 comments



The Moon Smiled At Me Today


OK, I was going to close this blog for good - partly because MC suggested I should and partly because I felt that I couldn't really talk about anything that was on my mind on here anymore. But then I figured, hey - I've thought these things through, so I might as well stick it up here for future reference or, maybe hey, someone else might actually find it useful, whether for its strings or gaps.

Lately, I've feeling really bad about myself and confused over balancing the Fid and experiencing life, with

  • severe doubts over my aptitude as a scientist/intelligent person
  • some anxiety over my close-to-absent social life and loneliness
Not that I'm just sitting here, worrying and doing nothing. I'm trying to do things for both the PhD and my social life, but whether or not these efforts will bear fruit remains to be seen.

So, even this morning, I was thinking,
  • am I able to do this? why am I doing this? maybe I should settle for something "less" and stop trying to be something (i.e. smart and creative) that I am not
    • my sups think I'm stupid
    • I am stupid
    • maybe being labelled as smart was causing me to put extra pressure on myself?
    • maybe all the signs up until now have been wrong - I've just 'hacked' my way through the system, appearing 'smart'
  • I feel left out of the lab circle because my intellectual-potential is no longer seen as on par
    • why don't I share my ideas as much anymore? what use are they in my book?
    • do I feel left out because I am female?
    • why do I feel bad about being female?
  • why do I worry so much? is this good or just a waste of time?
    • is this my weakness, my Achille's heel? will my self-doubt limit my progress?
  • personally - ugly, ignorant, inexperienced, intimidating/aloof, eccentric
    • why does my timidness result in others thinking I'm aloof?
    • why do I have no close relationships?
    • why do I not trust people and how is it that I am gullible at the same time?
But it's sort of like, well, if I'm really that useless, then I might as well be dead.
And I'm not dead.
And I don't want to be dead.

So, today my mind rearranged itself (without much conscious effort from me, thank goodness):
  • given that I am the way that I am, it's basically a miracle that the lab hasn't kicked me out yet (thank god, I probably wouldn't do a PhD anywhere else)
    • also, it has sort of been me kicking myself out
    • I need to stop being scared
    • despite my deficiencies, everyone is so willing to help and I am grateful for that
  • at least there is a hope that I will be smart one day (better than no hope)
  • at least my friends are still with me, even though I don't have much time for them
    • and sometimes I'm friendly, because I forget to be self-conscious
    • and sometimes I'm cold because I suddenly feel extreme fear of the outside world
  • at least there is a hope that one day I won't feel like such an alien here
  • at least I can still laugh at myself
Well, I'm glad I've sort of figured this out (again). I was feeling like there was no-one to talk to and I didn't want to blog about either because it was just so full of self-pity, confused thoughts/feelings and none of that is useful. I guess for some reason I thought I'd be resistant to this sort of self-doubt and self-denial of faith in oneself. I thought that because I'd been there before (long-term feelings of being unwanted and undeserving, as well as rapid drops in self-confidence/rises in self-doubt/paranoia), I'd be able to handle it easily. I guess I didn't really think that through - how was I going to handle it? I am not resistant, I still have to deal with it. So, I guess last time(s) I dealt with it by changing my perspective.

Sometimes I wonder whether that's just fooling myself. Maybe AB was right afterall with her horrified reaction to my choosing Science. But then people only judge by comparing with their understanding of their experiences and themselves. Some people tell me I am meticulous, prompt, logical/analytical, cold or calm under stressful situations, while some people tell me I have my head in the clouds, a free spirit, am creative, warm or a drama queen. Sometimes I think, 'what does it matter why non-parametric is different to parametric? what does it matter that different people prefer different programming languages?' but then sometimes I get that buzz from asking, 'which is more efficient/precise/accurate? why is it like that? yes or no or maybe? by how much? how about this? how about that?'

So, in summary:
  • stop being nervous
  • keep trying
  • remember to be grateful
  • stop drinking coffee
  • get some freaking sleep
True what AC said, "Cherrie, just relax and you will fly through" and BC with Queen Kong conquering 'WGC', 'varsity', 'the world' and 'happiness'. How sweet and teaching me with words written... 5 years ago. Shit, I've been away from home for 5 years. I guess the biggest thing I miss about that is constantly chasing my Mum for hugs, after learning (at16, 17?) that I could actually hug my parents.

Well, on my way to buy apples (because you know I love apples), I looked up at the starless (city) sky and saw the crescent moon smiling. How appropriate!

I guess one day I'll feel like all of this, this experience, is mine. But my intrinsic liberal nature has never really owned anything, has it?

Technorati Tags : , ,

August 4, 2008 | 5:08 AM Comments  0 comments

Tags:


Sunday Morning

I love this song. Enjoy.

Sunday Morning - Maroon 5

Sunday morning rain is falling
Steal some covers share some skin
Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable
You twist to fit the mould that I am in

But things just get so crazy
Living life gets hard to do
And I would gladly hit the road
Get up and go if I knew
That someday it would lead me back to you
That someday it would lead me back to you

That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on Sunday morning
And I never want to leave

Fingers trace your every outline
Paint a picture with my hands
And back and forth we sway
Like branches in a storm
Change of weather
Still together when it ends

That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on Sunday morning
And I never want to leave

But things just get so crazy
Living life gets hard to do
Sunday morning rain is falling
And I'm calling out to you
Singing someday it will bring me back to you
Find a way to bring myself back home to you

You may not know
That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on Sunday morning
Driving slow, yeah yeah, oh yeah yeah
Oh yeah yeah, oh yeah yeah
Oh yeah yeah, oh yeah yeah
Oh yeah yeah, oh yeah yeah

There's a flower in your hair
I'm a flower in your hair

Oh yeah yeah, oh yeah yeah
Oh yeah yeah, oh yeah yeah
Whoa, yeah


Technorati Tags : , , ,

July 29, 2008 | 5:07 AM Comments  0 comments



Awareness

Of My Own Ignorance and Doubting My Abilities to Reduce It

Learning is like washing your clothes. Every week there's a new load - you wish you could do say, +3 loads and thereby free yourself for 2 weeks, but you just can't do that. Likewise with learning, you can't be ahead of it. You can't know what you need to know to make that connection and/or discovery. So I guess, go as broad and as deep as you can. But tens of papers later (within this week or so), I feel not very much enlightened.

My 'week' has included (for my future self or any other Fid students wanting to know how round-about one can be):

  • climate change (e.g. McKitrick paper - interesting), sunspots (e.g. wtf, switching magnetic fields of the Sun?), cloud seeding (v. cool)
  • Richardson-Lucy deconvolution, Baye's Theorem, Baye's Postulate (all cool, but haven't really looked into when/why Baye's Postulate is valid)
  • Markov gating schemes, steady-state kinetics, ligand-receptor binding kinetics/dye-binding kinetics, reaction-diffusion systems
  • object-based programming (which actually sounds like Actionscript in Flash and the reusable objects, seem, in theory, to be v. economical - but I'm forever duplicating objects in Flash, when I should just create instances... but maybe I'm just confused)
  • 'Does science make God obsolete?' (Templeton series; sort of odd question with loaded connotations/intentions, so just skimmed - heaps of them were cop-outs, even Pinker and Hitchens' were disappointing, but I quite enjoyed Sapolsky,
    "So why is belief still relevant? To this I'd offer a very a-scientific answer. It is for the ecstasy...I mean those instances where you're suffused with gratitude for life and experience and the chance to do good, where every neuron is flooded with the momentness of feeling the breeze on its cellular cheek. A scientist... may feel ecstatic about a finding...but science...is not very good at producing ecstasy...(and) there are good arguments to be made for why science shouldn't do ecstasy...By contrast, the potential for ecstasy is deeply intertwined with religiosity...This may seem an unfair tilting of the debate against science...But building your life's explanations around science isn't a profession. It is, at its core, an emotional contract, an agreement to only derive comfort from rationality...The world would not be a better place without ecstasy, but it would be one if there wasn't religion. But don't expect science to fill the hole that would be left behind, or to convince you that there is none."
  • ... because as you know, I'm quite inclined to believe there is no hole, or rather the hole is not real even if it is perceived to exist.
  • Frequentist vs. Bayesian view on probability (thought it might have been useful, probably a waste of time)
  • Binomial distributions/quantised events
  • decision theory (again, probably a waste of time)
  • differential equations (again, I thought this might help, but maybe not. At least I can do those Bernoulli ones now)
  • 'stimulated emission', 'non-linear refractive index media/gain media/Kerr lens modelocking, self-focussing' (new terms I learnt just today... maybe except the first one :S)

On top of those, thinking about my actual experiments (which was actually sort of fun). I sort of don't know what to expect of myself, so I'm getting extremely tired from non-stop trying to understand things, but someone always raises something else I've never met. I'm just sort of annoyed that I don't seem to know anything useful... but I guess I'm just doing very wide helices and hopefully I will converge soon towards an answer or at least coherence...

Hmm... but I just thought of something practical I can do tomorrow.

Of Realities As We Age (Human Nature/Nature)

  • fear of abandonment/loneliness as very real as we move away from the protection and unconditional love of our parents and family
  • vanity in being desired as a real and very basic mode of motivation
  • helplessness and insignificance in the vast world, yet at the same time, immense power and influence that can be exerted by an individual
  • others with thoughts like you, but also with thoughts very unlike you and some intricate pattern of such thoughts and tendencies create those that you gravitate towards
  • limitless people to meet, yet only a few will really be there
  • selfishness as a neutral and expected quality
Lately I've been trying to understand why people apparently become needy for companionship as they age, but I guess from the points noted above, it's really a combination of our moving away from established filial (and other) ties and recognition/allowance of our own vanity/selfishness, so it's like an unmasking of need, not development of.

I don't know if these thoughts are stupid or not. I don't know how it compares with the rest of the population of xy-year olds or if that matters. I don't know if I am actually smart, I just know I want to do better than this. I don't know if I am strange, but I know that when I look at my life, it's nothing like my friends'. But I suppose theirs' are not like each others', either. I guess I want to sort of know that I am leading it in the right way, though I don't know that anyone else can make that judgement but me. Still, it would be interesting to see what the world sees. I suspect a vastly different figure.

Technorati Tags : , ,

July 22, 2008 | 5:07 AM Comments  0 comments

Tags:


My Heart Could Take A Chance...
Translations available in: English (original) | French | Spanish | Italian | German | Portuguese | Swedish | Russian | Dutch | Arabic

It's been hailing/raining all morning. It was some sort of mockery of the fact that I haven't expressed myself freely for some time. Further, I realised that I don't know how to live in a way that I truly find enjoyable (as opposed to changing my perspective/adapting, which I'm quite good at). I know how to get things done very well (i.e. reach a desired outcome), but how to I get my life lived?


I Don't Feel Like Dancin'
- Scissor Sisters

Wake up in the morning with a head like ‘what ya done?’
This used to be the life but I don’t need another one.
You like cuttin’ up and carrying on, you wear them gowns.
So how come I feel so lonely when you’re up getting down?

So I'll play along when I hear that special song
I’m gonna be the one who gets it right.
You'd better move when you're swayin’ round the room
Looks like the magic's only ours tonight

[Chorus:]
But I don’t feel like dancin’
When the old Joanna plays
My heart could take a chance
But my two feet can’t find a way
You'd think that I could muster up a little soft-shoe gentle sway
But I don’t feel like dancin’
No sir, no dancin’ today.
Don’t feel like dancin’, dancin’
Even if I find nothin' better to do
Don’t feel like dancin’, dancin’
Why’d you break it down when I’m not in the mood?
Don’t feel like dancin’, dancin’
I'd rather be home with no-one, if I can't get down with you.

Cities come and cities go just like the old empires
When all you do is change your clothes and call that versatile.
You got so many colours make a blind man so confused.
Then why can’t I keep up when you’re the only thing I lose?

So I’ll just pretend that I know which way to bend
And I’m gonna tell the whole world that you’re mine.
Just please understand, when I see you clap your hands
If you stick around I’m sure that I'll be fine

[Chorus]

You can’t make me dance around
But your two-step makes my chest pound.
Just lay me down
As you float away into the shimmer light.

[Chorus]



Technorati Tags : , , ,

July 18, 2008 | 5:07 AM Comments  0 comments



The Sound Of Silence
Translations available in: English (original) | French | Spanish | Italian | German | Portuguese | Swedish | Russian | Dutch | Arabic

The Sound Of Silence - Brooke Fraser
Originally recorded by Simon & Garfunkel

Hello darkness, my old friend,
I've come to talk with you again,
Because a vision, softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence.

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
'Neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence.

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share
And no-one dared
Disturb the sound of silence.

"Fools," said I, "you do not know
Silence like a cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you,
Take my arms that I might reach you."
But my words like silent raindrops fell,
And echoed
In the wells of silence.

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon God they made.
And the sign flashed its warning,
In the words that it was forming.
And the signs said, "the words of the prophets
Are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls.
And whispered in the sounds of silence."





July 12, 2008 | 8:07 AM Comments  1 comments



« previous 7


Cherrie's Profile


Latest Posts
Decision Time
The Moon Smiled At Me...
Sunday Morning
Awareness
My Heart Could Take A...

Monthly Archive

Change Language


Tags Archive
academia book books cherrieland education family friends future health lab life music news newzealand people philosophy politics psychology running science society songs technology thinking thosepeople university video volunteering web2.0 work

Filter By Type
Events
News
Travel
Topics

Links
My Other Blog
STUFF
Tech Crunch
TIG
Within the Blackhole